by Nik Bartunek
From driving lifted trucks, to hunting. From voting Republican to drinking Budweiser. From surfing an F-16 fighter jet, painted as an eagle bursting from an American Flag, to converting your lifted truck into a Monster-Truck and running over Democrats, there are some things that are very American. Things that just scream red, white, and blue. In my strong opinion, one of the most American thing you can do, is to eat lots of greasy, unhealthy food.
Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking down on it. In fact, there are times when I, the skinny tall white guy, take this concept too far.
Recently, myself and my good friend Brian have started to delve heavily into what Steven Hawking calls “Experimental Bacon String Theory”. In the past two months, we’ve done things in the kitchen with Bacon that would make any Hasidic Jew have an aneurysm. Eventually just putting the bacon IN the pan and turning the heat up isn’t enough. Pretty soon, things comes into play. Things like sausages, and hot dogs. Even eggs, and bread. Its like being some kind of radical new Bacon theorist.
What I would like to now share with you, is a series of events, and stories, that I hope will inspire all of you warm blooded Americans out there, to get extreme with your breakfast cooking. And yes, by extreme, I am talking Mountain Dew Extreme.
Like any morning, where the previous night was spent gaming until 4am, you want to wake up and eat something delicious and hearty. Along with that, whatever you eat, should come in abundance. I suppose I could just eat two eggs, and two pieces of bacon, but that’s honestly what Dennis Kucinich would do, and we all know that he is actually a ten year old boy masquerading as a US Senator. What I want is a breakfast that you will still feel five hours later in the emergency room at Kaiser. One morning, after having stayed up very late to destroy a troublesome group of Bugbears (Hob-goblins. Come on people. Everyone knows that), Brian and I decided that it would be a really good idea to start cooking things in a pan.
With a flick of the wrist, Brian had started to throw pieces of bacon into the pan, and realized that something was missing. He let the bacon cook, and with time, there was created in the pan, a lake of fiery bacon grease, much like the lake of fire often mentioned in claymation Sunday morning children’s cartoons. This bacon grease can’t go to waste. We’re in the middle of an oil crisis, and its the last thing on Brian’s mind to let those hardworking American pigs die in vain, at the hands of a Jimmy Dean butcher. He was going to use that grease, and damn anyone who tried to stop him.
Brian is a genius. His nick-name is actually Brain. Its something that most people don’t know about him. His IQ, coincidentally, is also the same as his license plate. I don’t know what that means, but I’m guessing its really good. When Brian gets an idea, it is perfectly executed, and well thought out. What next from Brian’s brain? Frying a piece of bread in the bacon grease.
That sounds like a bad idea, but thanks to some serious study and research on the part of my taste buds, it really isn’t at all. Brian and I then commenced to fry the bread with extreme prejudice. Remember the license plate I was mentioning before? Well add an extra ‘Y’ onto it.
Brian then commenced to punch out a hole in the middle of the bread, and into that hole he poured an egg. The heavens were opened. Not only did he create something that I’m pretty sure is static member of the “Pearly Gates Heavenly Welcoming Committee”, which also features such greats as Saint Peter, The Angel Gabriel, and Liberace, but he then added an egg into it. I was floored.
This was a good thing. We ate his creation (called by the british “eggy in the middle”), and we were happy.
Time passed though, and we grew weary of the “Eggy in The Middle”. We ate it quite a bit. The taste became too commonplace. Eggy-in-the-Middle started wearing the same clothes as us. It even started hanging out with our Girlfriends more than us. Basically, Eggy became a tool. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I really think I solved the problem right away.
Sir Arnold Bacon-Sausage.
Yes, I really created something called Sir Arnold Bacon-Sausage. There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to look as something he has grown to know and understand, and say to himself: “Can I make this better?”. Its the same reason that some rifles also have big knives on the end of them.
I looked at Bacon and said: “Can I make this better?”. The answer was yes! The answer came from the man sitting next to me on the bus. He was also curious why I was talking to a piece of bacon. Once back inside, I found some sausage that Brian had recently bought, and using my medical degree, began a serious and painful procedure on the sausage. Using futurized bacon wrapping technology, I began to wrap the bacon around the sausage. The procedure went pretty well I would say.
Fifteen minutes later, I had the most amazing sausage-bacon combo, that I have christened “Sir Arnold Bacon-Sausage”. It was great. Seriously though, several hours after I ate this, my legs started to develop a dull ache. I’m almost positive it was pain caused by the clogging of veins by bacon fat. If you think I’m joking, I’m serious.
I haven’t reached another Bacon singularity point yet, but I know its coming soon. There are plenty more Hob-goblins to kill, and a lot more bacon in the world. I’d say I have my work cut out for me. And for you brave Americans, I would like to leave you with this quote by Winston Churchill:
“We shall go on to the end, we shall cook bacon in France,
we shall cook bacon on the seas and oceans,
we shall cook bacon with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall cook on our Island, whatever the cost may be,
we shall cook bacon on the beaches,
we shall cook bacon on the landing grounds,
we shall cook bacon in the fields and in the streets,
we shall cook bacon in the hills;
we shall never surrender….”
www.baconsalt.com – Make everything taste like Bacon!
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